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This is Spring and This is Major

 Odd & ends that I am enjoying and embracing this spring.  Which I'm compiling as an homage to Shayla Lawson and her sublime book, This is Major.  


Gave my copy to a woman who had been in my office who I know had escaped the prison complex of America and I told her she would love it, just love it, and pretty soon we'd have a female president anyway, so just hang on Miss Lady, hang on, we're getting there, read this book, you'll love it, it's for you, keep it, pass it on, spread the word, Sis, this is Major.


This is me deleting numbers, numbers I don't need, numbers I don't want to answer, I don't remember your name anymore boy, if you want me you better write a letter, you better come correct, you better have that apology on your lips, you better be ready for bye boy bye, you better be ready old friend, you better be ready to know I'm not that girl anymore, don't call if you're not ready, as a matter of fact don't call at all.


A bed with sheets only I have slept in, only smell like me and maybe my son from a Saturday morning when I'm rooted from bed and he snuggles in, this is my bed, my comfort, my safe place, a place where a book and a bunny can find refuge with me and nobody else, this is tulips and comfort and Doris Day in all her virginity and Audrey Hepburn in all her sweetness, this is sweetness and light and comfort and peace, of a peaceful soft home, of soft comfort, smooth edges, soft mama soft woman.


Anais is telling all her stories before it's too late, she's leaving all her letters and diaries for us all, she doesn't care if those men are shamed or those women are embarrassed, she's telling all, she's freeing herself and leaving all her words for whoever finds them, she's leaving her lined journals and rumpled notes and tiny pads of words and rhymes and anecdotes and letting you know who she really was when it's too late to ask any questions why and she's me and she's now and she's the past and there's nothing to be done now, it's all done, it was good it was bad and now it's over, and the words are the proof, the evidence is all there if you want to find it.


Fingers are sewing and cutting and measuring and pricking, and it doesn't have to be cute but it's something, it's quiet time, quiet sewing quiet life in my quiet house where no one is ever allowed to yell or lie or hide again, this is sobriety, this is peace, this is return to innocence, back to basics, back to me, this is my creativity sparking splurging pouring when it's not stopped or stymied, this is me being me in a way I never have been free to be before. 


Rooting for you sis, I see you sis, you got it sis, you are speaking for so many sis, keep it up sis, I'll share the women who are speaking for us sis, who are lifting us up sis, no time for the fakers sis, and the players sis, no time for the passive-aggressive-ain't-really-our-friends sis, keep going sis, you're in your prime now sis, you don't know me but I'm proud of you sis, I'll lift you up sis, I'll street team for you sis, I'm grateful for you sis, want to hug your mama for you sis, Zoe Saldana crying out "mami" sis,  this is sisters doing it for themselves sis, I got you sis, I see you sis, I see you.


Watching a lady dog mature like watching an old lady finally resting easy, she sees me, I see her, her fur is soft and luxurious to me like a mink just taken out of cold storage on the Upper West Side, we love each other, we understand each other, we move into middle age together with dignity and support for our flaws and gifts, I look in her eyes so full of knowing and I hope every day that she knows I see her, I feel her, I love her as much as a human, as much as a child, as much as a dear friend I think of and miss every day. 


Little gifts, little gifts, they make me happy, they're simple, you can spend your money on tickets and flights and statement bags but I'm happy in this home with my simple gifts, my cottage core, my happy hygge, my one dollar tchotchkes, my tiny treasures, the things I can pick up and buy without thinking that once came from big sacrifices, success looks different to everyone, freedom feels different to everyone, freedom and peace surround me with every surface, every window, every touch of soft cotton and sateen. 


Losing my voice, being sick for so long and no voice to come back to, thinking I'd miss it but I don't, peeps telling me to feel better when I feel fine, I've spoken enough, I've said too much, I've talked all my life if I'm done now it's okay, I'll stand behind you while you speak sis, I'll hold you up on my shoulders young one, I'll get the microphone for you little one, I'm okay with silence, I'm okay with economizing words, I'm okay with less and less and less speech and sound, I'm good with quiet, I'm good with thinking, I'm good with listening, I'm good with keeping quiet, I'm good with holding this down in silence.  I'm good with not talking for once.  And this.  This is major.

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