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Groundhog Day is Every Day

 Lately I really feel the movie "Groundhog Day".  Like I'm watching my life happen in front of me.  It keeps repeating.  And I just keep trying to get it right. 


Sometimes I feel like I know what I'm doing and other times I feel like a failure.  And not only that, a spectacular failure that everyone around me can see.  I don't only suffer from Imposter Syndrome.  I AM the imposter!

But I honestly do believe, for as much as it sounds like needlepoint philosophy, that every day is a fresh start.  A second chance.  A chance to do better.  To get it right.  

I get mad at myself when I realize I keep repeating my mistakes.  Patterns.  Circles of behavior.  Aren't we all working through some kind of trauma?  

I think Deadpool called it "trauma bragging" and blamed Gen Z'er's.  Sometimes it feels and sounds that way.  But don't we all have it?  Childhood trauma.....relationship trauma......betrayal trauma......generational trauma......complex and even acute trauma.  It marks us and drives our choices more than we would like.

This dating life of mine has pushed my trauma/karma/drama to new heights.  To be as old as I am, I don't think I've ever felt more confused and mislead by people.  But the awesome thing is, since I am as old as I am, I at least know who I am.  Even if it appears that a lot of people around me (mainly men) do not.  

And despite what any of past dates, boyfriends and husbands say about me, I think my wants and needs are simple.

I just want a girl as beautiful as Andie McDowell to bid on me at the auction.

I want a sweet little elderly lady to make me toast for breakfast.

I want to stand in the snow and watch a hibernating rodent pulled from his burrow.

I want to wake up in a cozy winter bed with someone I love beside me.

It's not a lot to ask, is it?  Why can't it all be easier?  

The good news is, I feel myself getting closer every day to the life I want.  A better work/life balance.  A comfortable home with secure finances. A healthier mind and body.  A healthy and happy family.  And maybe even a dog to come home to and pet.  

No, it's not a lot.  But then again.....it's everything.  

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