Skip to main content

The Good Grief

 I remember once talking to a man I was dating about how I wasn't over a relationship that went bad.  And maybe, just maybe, I still wasn't over two marriages that went bad.  But I explained my ability to keep going and forge through the pain by saying it was just something we all had to do.  

"It's kinda like 'functional heartbreak' you know?" I mused.  "We just have to do it. We just keep going."

"Functional heartbreak," he repeated.  "That sounds like grief."

Did I mention that this guy happened to be a grief counselor?  And a damn good one?  So I tend to think he knew what he was talking about.  


Isn't it funny?  Or maybe funny isn't the word.....ironic?  Silly?  Delusional even?  How often we are willing to hang our hearts out on the line for another punch?  And it's not just for romance either.  We do it when we make new friendships, give birth, take up causes.  There's probably no organ in more danger for humans than our hearts because we typically show them the least amount of care.  

As I get older, I think a lot about grief.......grief I've brought to other people, grief I've had to shoulder for others, grief I've brought to myself.  

The Oxford Dictionary defines grief as "a deep sorrow, typically caused by someone's death".  

That definition works but seems a little too simple.  Especially when so many people joke about giving someone grief.  Hell......even Charlie Brown used to whine about it.


And while we do tend to joke about it, there's really not much funny about it.  When we consider the times we're in grief we realize how unfunny everything is.  How hard everything is.  How every memory has a tinge of pain.....even the good ones.  How hard just getting dressed or getting out of bed can be.  

I had the good fortune of sitting and talking with a lady that works in my company recently.  I'd never really had the chance to get to know her before, and during our lunch I learned that she had been widowed in the last few years.  In response, she totally changed her life by selling her house and moving to another state.  It's a pretty drastic decision and not one for the faint of heart.  But she seemed happy and healthy and very clearly didn't regret her decision.  

I think about my own life and how hard it has been to make decisions about a house I barely sleep inside of anymore.  My grief couldn't possibly be any greater or heavier than hers.  How is she able to move on?

Well, I guess we really shouldn't compare ourselves or our situations to anyone, but I will say this.....I'm glad I sat next to that nice lady for lunch.  She gave me some serious ideas to consider, and she had no idea she was even doing it.

I'm thinking more and more about how it's time to lay my "functional heartbreak" down.  Or at the very least......get a good goddamm band-aid for it.  My years of crying for lost relationships, marriages, a special needs child, broken promises and broken dreams are crawling to an end.  

Maybe now is the time to find the "good" in my grief.  Stay tuned for that. 

I once made a man I was dating angry by telling him I was one of many paper dolls.  He wouldn't miss me for long because he would simply replace me with another doll.  


But to be fair, I've done my share of turning men into my own paper dolls.....sliding one in and another out....substituting one for another.....trying to create the perfect one.  I even had one guy friend tell me I needed to stop trying to "Frankenstein" a boyfriend.  And he wasn't wrong.  One person will never possibly hold all the characteristics, good and bad, that you want them to have.  I guess that's why so many of us just keep searching.  I often wonder if I would have been happier if I had just married the boy I loved when I was sixteen, settled down and had some babies and never looked back.  

I guess we'll never know.  

And maybe that's why I've had all the grief I've had.  But honestly though, if it hadn't been husbands and boyfriends wouldn't it have been some other vessel?  Like a raging feud with a PTO mom or desperate climb to be popular on social media?  Who knows?  I guess all we do know is that grief is real.  It hurts.  And it takes a hot minute to get over, get around and get on top of.  I know I'm still working on it every day.  

(This post gives thanks to Mr. Mitten and the good work he does for all those he meets......)

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Reclaiming Your Childhood: Priceless

 This story might take a minute to tell. Bear with me. When my sister and I were little girls, my mother took us to a large baptist church in town. Even as a child, I never remember feeling welcome there.  But I do remember the lovely older couple that kept my Sunday School class. They gave us saltines and kool-aid, and I remember thinking they would be nice grandparents to have. At Christmastime, the Sunday School class was set to have a random gift exchange. Every child was supposed to bring a gift that could be exchanged with any other child.....no specific gift designations.  I received the gift of an Avon 7 bead necklace which was very popular at the time.  I loved it so much and was thrilled to have it!  I was somewhere between 5 and 7 at the time. (Back in the 1970's and 80's, Avon was a cosmetic company that was also known for it's inexpensive jewelry.  I couldn't find a price on what this necklace would have cost back then, but apparently there is ...
Post a Comment
Read more

My Week with Rumor

 My dog Rumor was an experiment.  A trial offer.  And all parties knew that going in.  Except for maybe Rumor. Rumor was an outdoor country dog.  His given name was Ruger (named after a firearm if you don't know, I didn't) which made sense for a dog raised in hunting country.  He was a stray that came to live with a loving family at about the age of 1.  He lived outdoors, slept in a garage crate at night, frolicked with an older dog pack and had a lovely life. We think he was about 4 years old.  He had been neutered, had vet care and was by no means a "rescue". His dad offered Ruger to me on a give-it-a-try basis.  He knew I wanted a dog. He told me Ruger would be sweet to me and also be my protector.  He was right on both counts.  He told me if it didn't work out, I could bring Ruger back to him and his wife.  I could tell they were a little sad when they dropped him off.  It made me glad to see that Ruger came from such ...
Post a Comment
Read more

NYE for $200, Alex

 Can we all just agree that New Year's Eve is the worst of the string of winter holidays?  I would even go so far as saying it's THE WORST of all the holidays.  I loved when Stanford Blatch defined a party as feeling very "forced festive".  To me, most NYE parties feel that way.  The idea that this is a big year-end blow-out and we'd all damn well better make it awesome! The reason I hate NYE is because it combines two of things I most hate about celebrations: cold weather and crowds.  Plus it's during a time of year when everyone has already spent all their money.  AND you usually have to the leave the house.  ADDITIONALLY, you have to stay up late.  It's a big F.U. from me on all this.   I would dare say that some of my happiest New Year's memories have been spent at home in my pajamas with either my child, an S.O. or happily alone.  I remember one unforgettable year of moving into a 3rd floor apartment on NYE.  I rememb...
Post a Comment
Read more