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21 Days

 Yesterday I planted marigolds. 21 days later and I planted flowers.  I dug and I cried and wondered and thought and dug again.  I wiped my hands on my pants and wiped my eyes on my sleeve.  I sat on my carport and listened to the evening birdsong.  I considered that in nature, when birds sing, it means danger is far away.  But is it ever truly far away?  My neighbor came out and told me that his brother-in-law died in a horrific highway accident. No, danger is never far away.


And I wondered where you were 21 days in.  Are you floating above us watching us cry?  Are you reincarnated into a beautiful baby boy in Indonesia?  Are you happy are you sad are you anything?  Do you miss us or remember us at all?  Are you skateboarding in your new body?  Are you Patrick Swayze searching for your Whoopi Goldberg interpreter? What do I believe now that I've crossed over the dividing line of middle age about what comes next?  We can get the cosmetics and the botox and do the pilates but we will still all get there one day.  Either old age or young death.  Who's the luckiest?


21 days in I planted marigolds.  A gift from a man that tried to know me but who I wouldn't let.  Because I never can.  But I'll take the marigolds, the roses, the daffodils, the daisies and all the flowers that anyone gives me.  I'll take what you give me, and I'll smile and laugh and make you feel happy for a minute because that's what I can do.  But not much more.  I torture myself wondering if I'm as bad a friend as I am a girlfriend, but I can't pull at that thread today.


I considered looking for 4-leaf clovers as I worked in the yard 21 days in.  But then I wondered if any lucky clovers existed anymore.  I'm not sure we deserve them anymore.  I remembered a part of a book in which two women cry while baking a cake together which stirs up feelings of love and nostalgia at the wedding where it's served.  Aside from territorial cats and feisty squirrels, I can't imagine my marigolds stirring anyone that much.  But maybe they'll make me feel good.  When I drive up and see them there.  I'll feel good.  


(Inspired, in part, by the song written by Prince and made famous by Sinead O'Connor, Chris Cornell and many others, Nothing Compares 2 U. And also by Like Water for Chocolate one of my favorite novels by Laura Esquivel on the chapter for Chabela Wedding Cake.)

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